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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hacking the Utah Air Quality Equation

On March 31st, the Salt Lake Valley's air quality problem seemed insurmountable. The so-called "inversion" got breathed in by our predominantly Mormon community like a daily pack of cigarettes. But unknown to residents of arguably the most foul-aired metropolitan area in the continental United States, inventor Rick Bennett trudged through waist-deep show and over treacherously icy granite inclines to install his ionic vortex technology device atop Utah's Lone Peak. Six AA flashlight batteries activated a catalytic process that attracted five of the six most common pollutants responsible for Utah's abysmal air quality: carbon monoxide, sulphur oxides, lead, and two mining-created types of particulate matter. That's the good news. But…

By noon today, Bennett had to remotely deactivate his device. Two "unintended consequences" caused a bit of an uproar in both Salt Lake and in Utah Counties.

First, the rapid attraction by the ionic vortex catalytic process created hurricane-force winds that literally tore the roofs off several Suncrest mountain top homes. According to Bennett, "There are some liability issues that far exceed the limits of my own homeowner's insurance policy."

The second, and by some accounts, the most serious problem is the device's creation of a 25,000 ton monolith that residents on both sides of Lone Peak are calling The Rickcicle. Local television stations are having difficulty interviewing residents, as even the most pious in this strongly religious community turn the air blue with invective as they react to the new view outside their bedroom windows.

News crews could not interview Bennett on camera, as crowds of irate neighborhood residents had surrounded his home. The telephone interview was cut short by the sound of breaking glass, just after Bennett lamented, "I bet this is how Dr. Frankenstein felt…"

1 comment:

  1. When I commented to my wife that I'd done nothing more useful today than this April Fools posting, she said, "That's okay Rick. After all, today is your day."

    ReplyDelete

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