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Thursday, February 18, 2016

To the FBI: How To Crack An iPhone.

Dear Morons,

I have long chronicled the incompetence of the FBI. From your failure to unravel a simple letter-substitution code (see my post here) to the attempts of former FBI Director Mueller to single-handedly kill the American software industry by publicly asking Silicon Valley to build in back doors (see my post here),  you make the jihadists of the world appear to be geniuses by comparison. Your latest attempt to get Apple to build a security back door for the same nincompoops who can't even secure records and security clearance surveys of millions of federal employees is, well, laughable.

At the risk of asking the obvious, haven't you idiots ever heard of I.C.E. technology? I.C.E. is an acronym for In-Circuit Emulator. I wrote ads for these things in Silicon Valley over 30 years ago. In fact, Larry Ellison once allowed me to reference his endorsement of I.C.E. technology in an ad for a client, saying that without this technology, ORACLE would not have been running on a PC.

How does I.C.E. work?

Simply, you put an in-circuit emulator between the processor chip and it's motherboard, and step cycle the program. Do the same thing to an iPhone, along with cloning all the ROM/RAM circuitry, and you can step a device through it's operating system at your leisure. Let it go too far and blow up the system, if you're really incompetent (which you are, by definition). That's okay. You just reset the memory and processor to it's original state and start all over. Even an imbecile (or as you call them, "your best and brightest") could brute-force 9999 password attempts in, oh, about the time it takes your director to tie his shoes.

So what's going on here? I know the NSA can I.C.E. any system on the planet. Ditto for the U.S. Cyber Command. Call these guys. Admit that your affirmative action hiring practices must ignore anyone with a chromosome-21 disorder.

Not only might you find possible terrorists (notwithstanding that they've had two months to go to ground), but you wouldn't cripple American technology sales around the world. Unless that's what you jackasses are trying to do.

Man, I've got to stop listening to Donald Trump!

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Implementation suggestions for THE MORGAN DOCTRINE are most welcome. What are the "Got'chas!"? What questions would some future Cyber Privateering Czar have to answer about this in a Senate confirmation hearing?