Friday, February 26, 2016

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Claims He Invented Twitter Crashlytics

I'll bet you didn't know I spoke Korean. I provided this translation of NORK dictator Kim Jong Un's speech bragging about his creating Twitter's Crashlytics and foisting it on an unsuspecting West. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Hacking Mobile Phone App Development

I scripted and produced this video for my client, Apteligent.

Question: Is this enough to break through the noise level of mobile technology? Over the next week, I'll be sharing some competitively hard-hitting videos (more my style) for the same client. Just wondering if the "nicer side" can win over, well, my usual drawing blood in the town square.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

To the FBI: How To Crack An iPhone.

Dear Morons,

I have long chronicled the incompetence of the FBI. From your failure to unravel a simple letter-substitution code (see my post here) to the attempts of former FBI Director Mueller to single-handedly kill the American software industry by publicly asking Silicon Valley to build in back doors (see my post here),  you make the jihadists of the world appear to be geniuses by comparison. Your latest attempt to get Apple to build a security back door for the same nincompoops who can't even secure records and security clearance surveys of millions of federal employees is, well, laughable.

At the risk of asking the obvious, haven't you idiots ever heard of I.C.E. technology? I.C.E. is an acronym for In-Circuit Emulator. I wrote ads for these things in Silicon Valley over 30 years ago. In fact, Larry Ellison once allowed me to reference his endorsement of I.C.E. technology in an ad for a client, saying that without this technology, ORACLE would not have been running on a PC.

How does I.C.E. work?

Simply, you put an in-circuit emulator between the processor chip and it's motherboard, and step cycle the program. Do the same thing to an iPhone, along with cloning all the ROM/RAM circuitry, and you can step a device through it's operating system at your leisure. Let it go too far and blow up the system, if you're really incompetent (which you are, by definition). That's okay. You just reset the memory and processor to it's original state and start all over. Even an imbecile (or as you call them, "your best and brightest") could brute-force 9999 password attempts in, oh, about the time it takes your director to tie his shoes.

So what's going on here? I know the NSA can I.C.E. any system on the planet. Ditto for the U.S. Cyber Command. Call these guys. Admit that your affirmative action hiring practices must ignore anyone with a chromosome-21 disorder.

Not only might you find possible terrorists (notwithstanding that they've had two months to go to ground), but you wouldn't cripple American technology sales around the world. Unless that's what you jackasses are trying to do.

Man, I've got to stop listening to Donald Trump!

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Redirecting Obama's $19-Billion Cyberthreat Boondoggle Could Even Get Bernie Sanders Elected POTUS

Today's Wall Street Journal OP-ED piece by President Obama (read it here) announces a $19-billion government effort to plug the cyberthreat dyke. The $19 billion could be better spent completely solving the problem by establishing a bonding authority for licensed and bonded cyber privateers to attack and loot cyberthieves, and the mechanism for this operation is already in place.
  1. Article I § 8 of the U.S. Constitution gives Congress the “Power To . . . grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal”.
  2. My complete legal justification for Cyber Privateering from January 2011 can be read here.
Not only would a $19 billion funding of a cyberthreat bonding authority turn cyber defense into a boon to the U.S. Treasurey, but it would fuel the biggest industrial boom since the invention of the integrated circuit. The streets of Silicon Valley would once again be paved with gold. And the mere existence of a well-funded cyber privateering program would stop cyber intrusion almost overnight.

Take a look at my Cyber Privateering code of conduct (read it here).  

Heck, adoption of this plan could even get Bernie Sanders elected president!