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Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Warning to UFOs: We DO NOT Greet You In Peace

 


"I come in peace; take ME to your leader." That's the typical first-encounter you'll pick up in our pulp fiction. Reality is, we're quite dangerous and you should stay as far away from us as you can. Just last night on NBC news, the increased sightings evoked the headline that our military regards this is a serious national security threat. Take this seriously! Because our military does.

I believe we could be the most warlike civilization in the galaxy. If you're reading this blog—which means you've grokked TCP/IP and cobbled together a browser—then you've probably been infected with at least one of the myriad virus programs our planet has to offer. Some are created by the best and brightest our warlike governments can muster. None our nations can risk advanced technology falling into anyone else's hands. And the corollary logic is, "If we can't have an exclusive on your science, then nobody can; we must destroy you."

So like I said, take this seriously. Quarantine this third dirt ball from the sun. If we haven't already, we will infect you and your civilization with war, bio-engineered plagues, political intrigues, and an economic/legal philosophy that trades life for money. In short, you honestly don't want anything to do with us.

Sincerely,

The Destroying Angel Himself

Sunday, April 25, 2021

Dear FBI, Here's Why You Get No Respect

 

Ah sigh! I get one of these I-have-video-of-you-watching-porn extortion attempts about once a month. Since I've never been to a porn site in my life, I just grab the Bitcoin wallet link and have the message automatically routed to my junk mailbox. Because I'll get about 10 of these follow-ups in my emailbox every day. If you turkeys happen to have this schmuck's identity in your worthless bag of tricks, now would be the time to swoop down on him like a pack of speed-crazed wolverines. Here's his Bitcoin wallet:

1Cg1X5xS6wkLqPksNcsVzm41Mf24PsrE1

Don't worry. I won't hold my breath waiting to hear from one of you suits (as Mozzie would refer to you in the series White Collar). Instead, I'll just put out my own "hit" on this moron.

If any of my several-hundred-thousand viewers know who this is, I've got a swell prize for you if you (a) send me a creative video of how you (b) make this pile of camel dung wish he'd never been born. The more creative, the bigger the reward. Of course, I'll need proof that this was the guy. Yeah, it's a guy. Women are way more subtle. So much for being politically correct and gender neutral. This is a hit, not some pacifist singing Cumbaya chained to a lamp post in front of the police station.

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Become A Character In My Buddy's Fantasy Book AND Get A BIG Tax Write-off

 

Brian Hailes won L. Ron Hubbard's Illustrators Of The Future award a few years ago. Since 2015, he's been coming every month to the writers group at my house, fine tuning his writing. He has just launched a KICKSTARTER campaign (click here for the KICKSTARTER link) for a rather spectacular book he's finally finishing. Given the large number of illustrations, it's taken him a while. We've critiqued each and every chapter for a few years. I'm not normally into fantasy, but this one hooked me big time.

You want to be a character in the book? For $375 you can have your face as one of the characters (in addition to getting a bunch of swell stuff, including original artwork, signed copies of the book, and all formats. Of course, for $36 you get a signed hardcover with color illustrations.

Check out the link. Oh, and did you know that if you get signed original artwork and hold it for a year, you can donate it to a museum and get a tax write-off for the appraised value? I did this one year with New York Artist Peter Max when I was head of advertising for Data General. We gave signed prints of his Statue of Liberty painting to 250 of the company's Million Dollar Club participants. In a year, I donated my own prints to a local library and got a $3500 tax write-off.

NOTE: Do NOT take this post as tax advice. Talk to your own tax attorney for applicability to the current tax laws.