Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"Hu's attacking my Linux server!"

To commemorate the visit of Chinese Chairman Hu Jintao to the United States this week, I'd like to find out why nobody's asking the hard question: "Why is China waging a cyber war against US government and private institutions, and against my little Linux server in particular?" Thanks to Bud Abbott,Lou Costello, and Jay Leno for the puns used a fictional conversation that never happened between myself and the FBI:

Me: Hu is attacking my Linux server.

FBI: How should we know who is attacking your server?

Me: Because I'm telling you.

FBI: Okay, tell us. Who is attacking your Linux server?

Me: Yes.

FBI: Yes who?

Me: That's right.

FBI: What's right? I'm just asking who?

Me: I wish you would, since he's in town visiting the president this week.

FBI: Who's in town?

Me: Yes, Hu is visiting the president.

FBI: Who's visiting the president?

Me: Yes. Have the president ask him to stop attacking my Linux server?

FBI: This is getting us nowhere. Who attacked your server, and when?

Me: Listen,  Hu is attacking my server. Forget about Wen. He's the Premier and he's still in China.

FBI: Who's the Premier?

Me: You idiot, Hu is the Chairman. Wen is the Premier. Hu is attacking my Linux server.

FBI: [gasping] I'd like to know why?

Me: Wei? For crying out loud, Wei is in the Secretariat and he's still back in China! I want you to track down Hu, with the president, and ask him to stop attacking my Linux server.

FBI: Okay [audible sigh], just where am I supposed to find who's attacking your server ?

Me: I've been trying to tell you. Hu is attacking my server. And they're probably having lunch at the Foo King Restaurant.

FBI: Sir, profanity is uncalled for. Pull yourself together and call us back when you can control your mouth. [click]

Okay, so this doesn't hold a candle to Abbott and Costello's Who's On First routine. And thanks to Jay Leno and his writers for for his headline routine years ago where someone is trying to report that the Foo King Restaurant is on fire. I've always wanted to use it.

Seriously, I'd like to someone to publicly ask Hu Jintao some hard cyber war questions.

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Implementation suggestions for THE MORGAN DOCTRINE are most welcome. What are the "Got'chas!"? What questions would some future Cyber Privateering Czar have to answer about this in a Senate confirmation hearing?