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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dear Japan, call Larry Ellison

Dear Mister Prime Minister Kan, yesterday I wrote:
"…the history of Japan in 2011 may well look like a series of biblical plagues."
You deserve the best I can come up with, which means you deserve advice from my first Cyber Privateer Fantasy League nominee Larry Ellison. I'm going to tell you some things you probably don't know about him and which I think qualify him as a trusted advisor in your current "perfect storm" of history:

  1. Larry not only understands your culture, but he has fully embraced it. From the name of his previous racing yachts to the Buddhist shrine in his office, he is the embodiment of your Samurai genetic memory.
  2. In the news today, Associated Press announced that Sony is going to get hit with a class-action lawsuit over the PSN hacking. In my humble opinion, the [insert your own adjective(s) here; my personal favorites have to do with inter-species reproduction] attorneys who joust for the title "King of Torts" need the Ellison treatment. Just before Oracle was to file for their IPO, a Canadian customer sued for fraud and even talked R.I.C.O. grounds. Larry had no choice but to disclose this suit in his red herring document, and it galled him. So he really did something about it. He countersued and won, eventually owing all the assets of the firm that sued him. Then he sued the Canadian law firm that represented the plaintiff for malpractice. And won. And drove them out of business. He then went after the California law correspondent law firm for malpractice. You get the idea. 
  3. Larry is the kind of a guy we took along with us in college to crash fraternity parties. While our fearless reconnaissance soldier walked into the Phi Delta Theta party (Phi Delts were the jocks at my campus, physically formidable but not exactly the sharpest tools in the box), the rest of us Betas were standing out front and singing (to the Battle Hymn of the Republic melody), "Phi Delta Theta we are … on your lawn, Phi Delta Theta we are … on your lawn …" Okay, the Betas were the party animals, maybe one academic step about the Animal House indies. While these American idioms probably don't mean much to you, you need do do a "Vulcan mind meld" with Larry Ellison at your earliest convenience. This is war and you need to wage it.
  4. As I wrote when I nominated Larry as the captain of my Cyber Privateer Fantasy League team, "I once asked him if maybe we ought to run our ads through legal for an opinion. He snorted, 'Nothing doing. I've got a litigation department; let 'em litigate!'" This brings me to my you-should-consider-authorizing-cyber-privateers-to-go-raid-the-criminals-who-raided-Sony point. You don't worry about international law. You go make it. President James Monroe articulated The Monroe Doctrine. You should articulate an equivalent of The Morgan Doctrine. Give the world time to mull it. Give the criminals a chance to "come clean" before you hold them fully accountable, along with their host government. 
  5. Even  as a young pre-billionaire, Larry fearlessly took on the U.S.S.R. with statements like, "The only way the ORACLE RDBMS will ever be delivered to Russia is in the nuclear warhead of an ICBM." How's that for guts?
  6. Finally, Larry owes you. Back in the early 90s you saved his company for him. I believe he would honor a request from you for advice. A lot of people thought I was joking when I suggested he should run for President of the U.S. I wasn't joking. When things start hitting the fan, Larry is one of the few people I'd trust to wage…war.
In short, some brilliant people from Tesla Motors have successfully dubbed their CEO and founder as the real-life inspiration for Iron Man's fictional Tony Stark. Balderdash! Larry Ellison is the real-life Tony Stark, which is why he rated the cameo appearance in the last movie. You need Larry, and Larry could use the challenge of helping you.

The dog pile from [again, insert your own adjective(s) here] attorneys needs to be turned upside down. Sony needs air cover in this lawsuit. And they need a nod from you, Mister Prime Minister, to win the suit and then hold the American law firm accountable for their behavior. That's my two-cents worth.

Sincerely.

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Implementation suggestions for THE MORGAN DOCTRINE are most welcome. What are the "Got'chas!"? What questions would some future Cyber Privateering Czar have to answer about this in a Senate confirmation hearing?