Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Israel, The Most Attacked Country in the World, Will Likely Solve Cybercrime One Gorilla Costume at a Time

In today's Wall Street Journal (page A3, see yesterday's online article here), the FBI admits that 61% of their 56 field offices have run into "severe" or "moderate" poaching by other federal law-enforcement agencies. I had to laugh, given my previous posts on FBI incompetence (do a query on "FBI" in the left-hand search box to see my litany of FBI stupidity over the years). The only bright side of the coin is in data exhaust coming out of Israel (see one link here). My previous net-net on Israel as "the last great hope for cyber security" is here. Furthermore, my argument for Israel being our last great hope is proven in the following statement:
The most attacked country in the world is the most highly motivated to REALLY solve the problem.
Therefore, I would NOT be surprised to see the following headline and news story in the very near future:

Islamic teenage hacker found in San Francisco phone booth drugged, and wearing nothing but the top half of a gorilla costume. 
AP, December 25, 2014, SAN FRANCISCO — Eighteen year old Mohammed Finkelstein, formerly Jewish but an avowed convert to Islam, is now recovering in a local hospital after being found naked from the waist down, wearing nothing but the top half of a gorilla costume while duct taped inside one of San Francisco's few remaining telephone booths. Bystanders report him screaming about a visit from Mossad agents who accused him of trying to hack Israeli defense computer systems.
A local FBI field agent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that such activities by any foreign government on US soil were a clear violation of cybercrime laws as well as of U.S. sovereignty, and that such incursions would not be tolerated by the U.S. Justice Department. However, the assertion was rebutted by an anonymous source from Homeland Security, who said, "The FBI couldn't find their rear ends with both hands, and the Department of Homeland Security would be taking lead in the investigation." The investigative landscape was further muddied by the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, who insisted the brandishing of automatic weapons by the alleged Mossad agents constituted a clear mandate for them to take action.
In the meantime, the victim's father Rabbi Aaron Finkelstein, made a rather terse statement: "I'd personally like to thank those involved with the intervention in my wayward son's cyber misconduct. He shared with his mother and me just this morning that his conversion to Islam was not sincere; he just wanted to push our buttons. Thank heaven someone is doing more than playing cyber security defense, and are actually going after intruders."
Yo Israel, I say don't disappoint me. Nobody in the U.S. is up to the real task at hand.

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Implementation suggestions for THE MORGAN DOCTRINE are most welcome. What are the "Got'chas!"? What questions would some future Cyber Privateering Czar have to answer about this in a Senate confirmation hearing?