Thursday, April 23, 2015

White House Guarantees Zombie Apocalypse

Speaking at this year's RSA conference, White House Cybersecurity coordinator confessed complicity in assuring us of a zombie apocalypse (read the UK Register story here). Michael Daniel, special assistant to the President on cybersecurity matters, gave a green light to the "Beltway Bandits" for development of predatory virus weapons:
"We need to have a larger toolset to go after what the bad guys are doing," he said.
You might be asking. "How does this guarantee a zombie apocalypse?" Simply, every Beltway Bandit and wannabe Beltway Bandit has got to develop massively lethal cyber capabilities. According to my Perfect Virus Principle 22 (see all 22 principles of the Perfect Virus here):

  • THE PRINCIPLE OF DEFENSE:  The Perfect Virus has defenses that make Sigourney Weaver's Alien monster look like a mildly incontinent house pet. It can be directed to so fundamentally change the DNA of the host system that eradication will destroy the host, intelligently and forever. Think of it as a genetic mix of the fictional Alien and Predator (a la Arnold Schwarznegger) species. Armed with Jesse Ventura's chain gun. In fact, rent or buy and then watch the Aliens vs. Predator DVD. It'll give you some additional virus Defense scenarios to consider.
 The zombie apocalypse guarantee: Since it's illegal to test offensive cyberwarfare capability "in the wild" on the Internet, aspiring BWBs (Beltway Bandits) will be limited by their financial ability to field a robust closed test bed. The odds of some poorboy mutant virus getting loose into the WorldWide Web is virtually 100%. Some poor summer-job intern will invariably bring his BlueTooth-enabled smart phone into the testing site, and get said smart phone "Frankensteined" by a work-in-progress virus. One little dinner-date email check is all it will take to introduce havoc.

What! You don't believe me? Well Grasshopper, time will tell.

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Implementation suggestions for THE MORGAN DOCTRINE are most welcome. What are the "Got'chas!"? What questions would some future Cyber Privateering Czar have to answer about this in a Senate confirmation hearing?